What would it be like to live wholeheartedly?
Not simply to throw yourself enthusiastically into something; not to live entirely from your emotions; not to allow your rational mind to control everything you think, feel and do, but to become a person whose head and heart can work together. A person who is increasingly able to live from a place of authenticity, honesty and wholeness.
That is what we mean by wholeheartedness.
Whole-hearted isn’t the same as wholehearted
There is an important distinction here. We can describe someone as being whole-hearted.“I whole-heartedly agree.” “I whole-heartedly support you.” “I whole-heartedly believe this.” In each case, whole-hearted means something like completely, enthusiastically or without reservation. But wholeheartedness is something different. It isn’t primarily about how enthusiastically we do something. It is about how we live.
It is about becoming increasingly integrated as a person — allowing our thoughts, emotions, experiences, relationships and faith to become part of a more authentic whole. And that raises an interesting question: What part does the heart play in all of this?
Head or heart?
We can easily fall into one of two ways of thinking. One says: “Let your head rule your heart.” Why? Your rational mind knows what’s sensible. Your emotions can be unpredictable. So keep your feelings under control and make decisions with your head.
There is certainly wisdom in thinking carefully, but what happens if we learn to distrust our hearts altogether? We can become very good at analysing life without actually being fully engaged with it. We can know what we ought to feel without knowing what we actually feel. We can think we know what the right answer is while being completely disconnected from what’s happening inside us.
Or should the heart rule the head?
The opposite idea can sound attractive. Perhaps we should simply follow our hearts. Be spontaneous, trust our feelings, do what feels right. That can sound much more alive. But our hearts can be wounded. They can carry fear, shame, rejection, disappointment and false beliefs.
Our emotions can tell us something important, but they don’t necessarily tell us the whole truth, so allowing our hearts to rule everything isn’t the answer either.
Perhaps there is another way.
A rich relationship with the heart
This is at the centre of Becoming Wholehearted: A Journey into Authenticity.
Rather than allowing either the head or the heart to dominate, we can develop a rich relationship of trust with our hearts. That doesn’t mean believing everything we feel. It means learning to listen, to pay attention, to become curious about what is happening inside us.
To recognise that our emotions and reactions may be telling us something worth exploring, and then to bring what we discover into relationship with God.
The aim isn’t to make the heart the boss. It’s to allow head and heart to work together.
But there is a problem
There is an important caveat. Our hearts need healing. We don’t simply arrive at adulthood with a perfectly formed, trustworthy inner world. Life happens to us. Some of it is wonderful. Some of it is painful. Some of it is confusing. Some of it happens before we have the words to understand what is happening.
We experience love and rejection. Acceptance and exclusion. Encouragement and criticism. Safety and fear.
And those experiences can leave their mark. They can influence what we believe about ourselves, other people and God. They can affect the way we respond to life. They can even affect what we think our hearts are saying to us.
So wholeheartedness isn’t achieved simply by deciding: “From now on, I’ll listen to my heart.”
There may be some healing to do.
The heart can carry our history
Perhaps you’ve noticed that sometimes something seems to trigger a reaction in you that feels bigger than the situation warrants. Someone says something quite ordinary, but suddenly you’re angry or frightened, or hurt or defensive.
Or you find yourself withdrawing. You may wonder: “Why did that affect me so much?” Sometimes the answer lies in what has happened before. Our present experience can touch something from our past, and suddenly we’re not simply responding to what is happening now. We’re responding from a much deeper place.
That doesn’t mean our reaction is wrong. It means it may be worth listening to.
What does my heart know?
Our hearts can carry things that our conscious minds haven’t fully recognised. Perhaps: “I’m afraid.” “I don’t feel safe.” “I don’t trust them.” “I feel rejected.” “I don’t feel loved.” “I’m exhausted.” “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Sometimes those messages are telling us something important. Sometimes they’re based on an old wound or an old belief. Either way, dismissing them isn’t necessarily helpful. We can learn to listen without automatically agreeing.
And that is a very different approach from either ignoring the heart or being ruled by it.
Wholeheartedness and inner healing
This is where wholeheartedness connects naturally with inner healing. If our hearts have been wounded, we need to discover what happened. What did we believe as a result? What conclusions did we draw? What did we decide about ourselves? What did we decide about other people? What did we decide about God?
Perhaps we believed: “I’m not good enough.” “I’m on my own.” “I can’t trust anyone.” “I mustn’t let people get too close.” “I have to keep everyone happy.” “If I make a mistake, I’ll be rejected.” These beliefs can become deeply embedded, and they can influence the way we live without us even realising it.
This is why Lies We Believe and Inner Vows, Shame, Understanding Trauma and Identity — Who Am I? are all part of the same wider journey.
Wholeheartedness and authenticity
Authenticity doesn’t mean saying everything you think. It doesn’t mean acting on every emotion. It doesn’t mean refusing to change. And it certainly doesn’t mean: “This is just the way I am, so everyone else will have to put up with me.”
Authenticity is something deeper. It is becoming increasingly honest about who we actually are. It is allowing ourselves to acknowledge what we think and feel rather than constantly pretending. It is being willing to recognise our weaknesses as well as our strengths. It is becoming less dependent upon the approval of others.
And it is learning to live from truth rather than from the false identities we have accumulated along the way.
Who am I?
That brings us back to identity. Perhaps one of the reasons authenticity can be difficult is that we don’t always know who we are. We can become the person our parents wanted. The person our friends expected. The person our church needed. The person our spouse wanted. The person our workplace rewarded. The person we thought would finally make us acceptable. And somewhere along the way we can lose touch with ourselves.
Wholeheartedness involves rediscovering that person. Not constructing a completely new identity, but allowing God to reveal and restore what has become hidden, wounded or distorted.
What does God have to do with wholeheartedness?
Everything. For us, wholeheartedness isn’t ultimately a psychological exercise. It isn’t about becoming more self-aware simply so that we can become better at managing ourselves; it’s about becoming more fully alive in relationship with God.
The more we know Him, the more we can discover who we are, and the more healing that takes place in our hearts, the more freely we can respond to Him.
This is why hearing God is so important.
We don’t simply want to analyse ourselves. We want to ask: “God, what do You see?” “What do You want me to know?” “What is true?”
And then listen.
Wholeheartedness isn’t perfection
This is important. Wholeheartedness doesn’t mean that we become completely healed, completely confident and completely sorted. We will still have difficult days, still make mistakes, still experience fear.
We will still sometimes react badly and discover things about ourselves that need attention.
Wholeheartedness isn’t “I’ve arrived.”
It’s a journey; a journey towards greater honesty, greater integration, greater freedom, greater authenticity, and greater intimacy with God.
Becoming wholehearted
Perhaps becoming wholehearted is rather like bringing together parts of ourselves that have become separated.
Our head and our heart. Our past and our present. Our experience and our understanding. Our emotions and our thinking. Our weaknesses and our strengths. Our wounds and our healing.
And ultimately: ourselves and God, not by pretending that everything is fine, but by bringing what is real into the light.
What happens when the heart begins to heal?
Something changes. We may become less defensive. We may become more able to hear what other people are saying and more comfortable saying no.
We may become less driven by the need for approval and be able to recognise our emotions without being controlled by them.
We may find it easier to forgive and become more compassionate.
We may become more able to receive love and discover that we don’t need to keep proving ourselves.
And perhaps most importantly: we may become increasingly free to be ourselves.
Wholeheartedness and relationships
This matters enormously in marriage and other close relationships. It is difficult to have a genuinely intimate relationship when we’re constantly hiding.
If I don’t know what I’m feeling, I can’t communicate it honestly. If I’m afraid of rejection, I may avoid difficult conversations. If I don’t know who I am, I may expect my partner to define me. If my heart is carrying unresolved wounds, I may react to my spouse as though they were the person who hurt me years ago.
Becoming more wholehearted can therefore change not only our relationship with God, but our relationships with other people. It can help us become more honest, more vulnerable and more able to love.
Sozo and wholeheartedness
This is one of the reasons Sozo and wholeheartedness sit so naturally alongside one another.
A Bethel Sozo can help us discover what is happening in our hearts. We may become aware of a lie we’ve believed. An inner vow we’ve made or a judgement we’ve carried.
A painful memory may be expunged, or a place where shame has taken root. A misunderstanding about God can be exposed and sorted, or simply something we’ve never before brought into His presence. The aim isn’t to analyse ourselves endlessly. It’s to bring those things into relationship with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit and discover what He wants us to know.
Healing the heart makes it increasingly possible to hear what the heart is saying without being ruled by everything it says.
That is an important part of becoming wholehearted.
A journey into authenticity
Perhaps the question isn’t: “How can I become a better version of myself?” Perhaps it’s: “Who did God create me to be?”
And: “What is getting in the way of becoming that person?”
Those are very different questions. The first can leave us continually trying to improve ourselves. The second invites us into a journey of discovery. That journey can be a journey of healing, of relationship, a journey towards authenticity. In fact, a journey towards becoming wholehearted.
Where are you on the journey?
Perhaps you feel disconnected from yourself. You might have spent years living from your head and ignoring your emotions, or gone the other way and find yourself overwhelmed by what you feel.
Perhaps your heart has been wounded, and you don’t know how to trust it and you know there are things inside you that need healing. Or perhaps you simply have a sense that there must be more to life with God than you are currently experiencing.
You don’t need to have all the answers.
You can start with a question:
“God, what do You want me to know about my heart?”
And then listen.
Explore further
Identity — Who Am I? Discover what God may have to say about who you are and how your experiences have shaped your identity.
Hearing God Explore what it means to hear from God for yourself.
Understanding Inner Healing Discover why healing the heart is part of the journey towards freedom and wholeness.
Lies We Believe and Inner Vows Explore some of the ways experiences can shape what we believe about ourselves, other people and God.
Shame Understand how shame can distort our self-image and keep us hidden.
Understanding Trauma Explore how what has happened to us can continue to affect the way we respond to life.
Boundaries Discover how becoming more secure in who we are can help us develop healthier relationships.
Becoming Wholehearted: A Journey into Authenticity Explore the book that lies behind much of this understanding of wholeheartedness.