Who am I? It sounds like a simple question. But it isn’t. We can spend much of our lives trying to answer it. Am I successful? Am I attractive? Am I clever? Am I good enough?
Am I wanted? Am I loved? Am I a failure? Am I the person other people think I am?
And underneath all those questions is a deeper one: Who does God say I am?
Because perhaps our identity isn’t something we have to invent. Perhaps it is something we discover.
We learn who we are from what happens to us
From the moment we’re born, we’re learning about ourselves. We learn from the way we’re treated. We learn from our parents, from our brothers and sisters, teachers and friends. From people who love us — and from people who don’t.
We learn from encouragement and rejection. From success and failure, from belonging and exclusion. From what people say about us, and from what they don’t say.
Over time, these experiences can begin to form a picture of who we think we are. Sometimes that picture is reasonably accurate, and sometimes it isn’t. And sometimes it contains things that were never true in the first place.
“This is who I am”
Perhaps you’ve said: “I’m just not that sort of person.” “I’m no good with people.” “I’m not very confident.” “I’m a worrier.” “I can’t trust anyone.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’m always the one who gets left out.”
Some of these statements may feel like simple observations, but sometimes they are conclusions we’ve drawn from our experiences. And conclusions can become identities. Something happens. We decide what it means. We repeat it to ourselves.
Eventually we stop saying: “This happened to me” and start saying: “This is me.” That’s a significant change.
You are not what happened to you
This is particularly important when we’ve experienced trauma, rejection, abuse, failure or loss. What happened to us may have profoundly affected us; it may be part of our story, but it isn’t the whole of our identity.
If somebody rejected you, you are not “rejected”. If somebody abused you, you are not “damaged goods”. If you failed, you are not “a failure”. If you were abandoned, you are not “abandonable”. If you have made terrible mistakes, you are not beyond redemption.
The things that have happened to us can shape us. But they don’t have to define us.
The lies we believe
This connects directly with Lies We Believe and Inner Vows.
Perhaps an experience led you to believe: “I’m not good enough.” Or: “Nobody really loves me.”
Or: “I have to look after myself because nobody else will.” Or: “If people really knew me, they wouldn’t want me.” Or: “I must never allow myself to be vulnerable.”
These beliefs can become so familiar that we don’t recognise them as beliefs. They simply feel like facts. But what if they’re not true? What if there is a different way of seeing yourself?
Shame attacks identity
This is why shame can be so powerful. Guilt says: “I did something wrong.” Shame says: “There is something wrong with me.” Shame turns behaviour into identity. It takes an experience and makes it a statement about who we are. And once we believe that statement, we can begin to live from it.
We hide. We protect ourselves. We compare ourselves with others. We try to prove our worth. Or we give up trying altogether.
That’s why freedom from shame isn’t simply about feeling better. It can involve discovering who we really are.
What does God say?
For us, this is the fundamental question. Not: What did my parents say? Not: What did my teacher say? Not: What did my husband or wife say? Not: What did my former partner say? Not even: What do I say about myself? But: What does God say?
Because if God created us, then surely His perspective matters more than any other, and this is one of the reasons hearing God for ourselves is central to Wonderfully Free. We don’t want you simply to take our word for who you are.
We want you to discover what Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit say about you.
Known by God
There is something extraordinary about being known. We often fear being truly known because we imagine that if someone sees everything, they will reject us, so we hide the bits we’re ashamed of. We present the best version of ourselves. We manage people’s impressions.
But God already knows. He knows the things we’re proud of and the things we’d rather forget. He knows our wounds and failures. He knows our fears. He knows what happened to us, and yet He still invites us into relationship with Him.
We don’t have to become somebody else before God can love us.
Identity isn’t the same as self-esteem
We aren’t simply talking about feeling good about ourselves. There will be days when we don’t feel particularly good about ourselves. There will be failures and weaknesses. There will be things we need to change.
Christian identity isn’t: “I’m wonderful and can do anything.” Nor is it: “I’m worthless and can do nothing.” It’s something much more secure: “I know whose I am.”
Our identity begins with relationship. We are created by God. We are known by Him. We are loved by Him.
And our worth doesn’t have to be continually established by our performance.
Identity and performance
One of the ways we try to establish our identity is through what we do. If I’m successful, perhaps I’m worthwhile. If I’m needed, perhaps I’m important. If people admire me, perhaps I’m secure. If I achieve enough, perhaps I’ll finally feel that I’m enough.
But performance is a very unstable foundation for identity. There is always another achievement, another comparison. Another better person. Another failure waiting around the corner.
And what happens when we can’t perform? What happens when we get older? What happens when we fail? When people stop applauding?
If our identity is based on performance, we can suddenly discover that we don’t know who we are.
Identity and relationships
Relationships can affect our identity profoundly. We may become who we think another person needs us to be. We may define ourselves by being somebody’s husband or wife, parent, child, friend or leader. Those relationships are important, but they aren’t the entirety of who we are and sometimes relationships themselves become places where identity is wounded.
Perhaps we have been controlled or repeatedly criticised. Perhaps we have been made to feel inadequate.
Perhaps we’ve lost ourselves trying to keep somebody else happy.
Healing can involve rediscovering the person God created us to be.
“Who did God make me to be?”
This is where identity connects with wholeheartedness.
Becoming Wholehearted: A Journey into Authenticity explores the possibility of living from a richer relationship with our hearts rather than allowing either our rational minds or our emotions to dominate us. The book itself describes the journey towards a “wholehearted and authentic life”, while recognising that the heart needs healing along the way.
Perhaps becoming wholehearted involves becoming increasingly able to say: “This is who I am.” Not the person I have pretended to be or the person somebody else told me I should be.
Not the person my wounds have required me to become, but the person God created me to be.
Healing can change the way we see ourselves
This is one reason inner healing matters. If my heart is carrying: “I’m not safe.” I may live defensively.
If it carries: “I’m not lovable.” I may continually seek reassurance.
If it carries: “I’m on my own.” I may struggle to trust.
If it carries: “I’m not good enough.” I may spend my life trying to prove myself.
When those beliefs begin to change, something else can change too. The way we live can begin to change because the way we see ourselves has changed.
Identity and Sozo
This is one of the reasons identity is so closely connected with Bethel Sozo. A Sozo isn’t a personality assessment. It isn’t about the facilitator telling you what sort of person you are. It is about relationship with God.
You may find yourself asking: “Father God, what do You think about me?” “Jesus, how do You see me?” “Holy Spirit, what do You want me to know about myself?”
And then you listen. Perhaps something comes immediately. Perhaps it takes time. Perhaps what you hear challenges something you’ve believed for years. The facilitator’s role is to help you engage with God. You don’t have to receive somebody else’s definition of you; you can discover what God says for yourself.
What about the things I need to change?
Discovering our identity doesn’t mean becoming blind to our faults; quite the opposite. When we’re secure in who we are, we may become more able to face what needs changing. We don’t have to defend ourselves quite so fiercely, or prove that we’re right. We don’t have to hide our weaknesses. We can say: “Yes, that’s something in me that needs attention.” without concluding: “Therefore I’m a terrible person.”
There is enormous freedom in being able to distinguish between: “This is something I do” and: “This is who I am.”
Identity and freedom
Perhaps that’s the heart of it. If we don’t know who we are, we’re vulnerable to being defined by other people, by circumstances, success, failure, by our past, our wounds, our fears or our achievements. But the more secure we become in our identity in God, the less we need those things to tell us who we are.
We can become freer to love, to fail, to forgive, to receive, to say no, to say yes.
Freer to become the person God created us to be.
Who am I?
Perhaps there isn’t a single sentence that answers the question. Perhaps identity is something we discover progressively through relationship with God. But there are some things we can know. You are not an accident. You are not defined by your worst day or by what somebody else did to you. You are not defined by your failures.
You are not required to earn God’s love. You don’t have to become somebody else to be acceptable to Him. You are known. You are loved. You are God’s creation.
And perhaps the journey of becoming wholehearted is, in part, the journey of discovering what that really means.
Becoming who you were made to be
We don’t want to create a new identity for you. We want to help you discover the one God has already given you. That is why we keep coming back to relationship. Relationship with Father God. Relationship with Jesus. Relationship with Holy Spirit.
And, increasingly, a more honest relationship with ourselves and with other people. As healing takes place, we can become increasingly free to live from the truth rather than from the wounds of our past. Not somebody else’s version of you. Not the person your shame tells you to be. Not the person your trauma has forced you to become.
But increasingly, the person God created you to be.
That’s the journey. And that’s why we call it becoming wholehearted.
Explore further
Hearing God Discover what it means to hear what God says about you for yourself.
Understanding Inner Healing Explore how healing can change the way we see ourselves, God and the world around us.
Lies We Believe and Inner Vows Discover how experiences can lead us to beliefs and decisions that shape the way we live.
Shame Explore what happens when shame becomes part of the way we see ourselves.
Understanding Trauma Consider how what has happened to us can continue to influence the way we see ourselves and others.
Becoming Wholehearted Explore the journey towards authenticity and a more wholehearted life.
What Is Bethel Sozo? Discover how Sozo can help you explore what God thinks about you for yourself.
Book an Individual Sozo You don’t need to know exactly what you need before you contact us. We can help you explore whether Sozo might be a helpful next step.