Lies We Believe and Inner Vows

We all make sense of our lives somehow. Something happens. We experience it. We interpret it. And, somewhere along the way, we may draw a conclusion about ourselves, other people or God.

Sometimes that conclusion is true. Sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes a conclusion that made perfect sense at the time can remain with us for years, quietly influencing the way we live.

We call these lies we believe.

Sometimes, in response to what has happened to us, we make promises to ourselves about how we will live in future.

We call these inner vows.

Neither is usually something we consciously choose. They can simply become part of the way we do life.

How does a lie become a belief?

Imagine a child being repeatedly told that they’re stupid. Perhaps a teacher humiliates them in front of the class. Perhaps a parent constantly criticises them. Perhaps other children reinforce the message.

The child doesn’t necessarily think: “I’m now going to adopt the belief that I’m stupid.” They simply begin to believe it. Once that belief is established, other experiences can seem to confirm it.

If I believe I’m stupid, I may become frightened of speaking up. I may avoid situations where I could fail. I may assume that other people’s opinions are more valuable than mine. I may become fearful of making mistakes. I may eventually believe that I’m worthless.

One wound can therefore become the starting point for a whole collection of beliefs and behaviours.

The original experience may have occurred years ago, but the belief can still be influencing life today.

Not every belief is true

This is important. A belief can feel completely true without actually being true. If someone has been rejected repeatedly, it may feel entirely reasonable for them to believe: “Nobody will ever love me.” If they’ve been betrayed: “You can’t trust anybody.” If they’ve been criticised: “I’m not good enough.” If they’ve been abandoned: “I’m on my own.”

The feelings are real. The experience was real. But the conclusion we drew from it may not be true. And that gives us hope, because if the belief isn’t true, we don’t have to live by it forever.

The things we carry

We can accumulate these beliefs throughout our lives. Some may come from childhood, some from relationships; some may come from things that happened at school, at work or within the church. Some may come from things that were said to us, others may come from what wasn’t said or wasn’t done.

And sometimes the belief comes from an experience that, on its own, might seem relatively insignificant, but if it touches an existing wound, it can reinforce something we already believe about ourselves.

Over time, the layers can build. We may not even know they’re there, yet they can affect the way we respond to life.

Fear. Anger. Anxiety. Withdrawal. People-pleasing. Difficulty trusting. Difficulty receiving love.

The belief can become so familiar that it simply feels like “me”.

Inner vows

Sometimes we respond to painful experiences by making a promise to ourselves. Perhaps someone we trusted lets us down. We might decide: “I’ll never trust anyone again.”

Perhaps we have been hurt in a relationship and we, consciously or unconsciously, decide, “I’ll never let anyone get that close to me again.” Perhaps we’ve experienced rejection: “I’ll make sure I never need anyone.” Perhaps we’ve been controlled: “Nobody will ever tell me what to do again.”

These are examples of what we mean by inner vows. They are decisions we make about how we will protect ourselves in future, and at the time, they may make complete sense. They may even have helped us cope.

When protection becomes a prison

The difficulty is that a decision that protected us once can continue protecting us long after the danger has gone.

If I decide: “I’ll never trust anyone again,” I may indeed avoid being betrayed again. But I may also prevent myself from experiencing genuine intimacy.

If I decide: “I’ll always look after myself,” I may become very capable and independent. But I may also find it almost impossible to receive help.

If I decide: “I’ll never be vulnerable again,” I may avoid being hurt. But I may also prevent myself from being truly known and loved.

The very thing that once protected us can eventually restrict us. Protection can become a prison.

We don’t have to condemn ourselves

It’s important not to look back at these things and think: “What was wrong with me?” There may have been nothing wrong with you. You were responding to what was happening around you with the understanding you had at the time.

A child has very few resources for making sense of a difficult world. An adult can also find themselves making decisions in the middle of pain, fear or betrayal. The purpose of recognising a lie or an inner vow isn’t to condemn ourselves. Recognition is the first step towards overcoming and recovery.

How do we know what we believe?

Sometimes it helps to pay attention to our emotional responses. Why does that particular situation make me so angry? Why does criticism affect me so deeply? Why do I find it so difficult to trust? Why do I always expect the worst? Why do I find it so hard to receive praise? Why do I feel that I have to cope with everything myself?

Our reactions can sometimes point towards something underneath.

The question isn’t simply: “What’s wrong with me?” It might be: “What am I believing that makes me respond like this?” And then: “Where did that belief come from?”

What does God say?

This is where our Christian understanding of inner healing matters. We don’t simply want to replace one thought with another positive thought. We want to discover God’s truth.

So the question becomes: “God, what do You say about this?” What does Father God say about me? What does Jesus say? What does Holy Spirit say? Is the thing I’ve believed about myself actually true? Was the conclusion I drew from that experience the conclusion God would have me draw?

Sometimes what follows can be surprisingly simple. We may discover that something we’ve believed for years isn’t true; that God was present in something we thought we had experienced alone. We may discover that the identity we’ve constructed around our wounds isn’t the identity God has given us.

And what about the inner vow?

The same principle applies. We can bring the decision we’ve made to God. Perhaps we can ask: “God, do I still need this?” “Is this really how You want me to live?” “What would it look like to trust You instead?”

We aren’t trying to force ourselves to abandon a protective decision before we’re ready. We’re inviting God into the place where that decision was made. Because freedom doesn’t come from simply telling ourselves: “Stop being afraid.” It comes from discovering that we no longer have to live under the rule of the thing we were afraid of.

What freedom can look like

Freedom doesn’t necessarily mean that we forget what happened. It doesn’t mean pretending that something wasn’t painful. And it certainly doesn’t mean putting ourselves back into situations where we are unsafe. It means that the past no longer has to dictate our future.

The person who once believed, “I can’t trust anyone” may discover that they can learn to trust wisely. The person who believed: “I’m not good enough” may discover that their worth was never dependent upon performance. The person who believed, “I have to do everything myself” may discover the freedom of receiving from others. The person who believed: “Nobody really loves me” may begin to discover that they are deeply loved by God.

The circumstances may not change.

But the truth we live from can.

Lies, inner vows and Sozo

This is one of the reasons these ideas are important within Bethel Sozo.

A Sozo allows us to bring the things that have shaped us into conversation with God. Rather than the facilitator simply telling us what is wrong, we are encouraged to ask God for ourselves. What are we believing? What conclusions have we drawn? What have we decided about ourselves? What does God want us to know?

And perhaps most importantly: What is true?

The aim isn’t to produce a list of everything that has ever gone wrong. The aim is greater freedom and wholeness in relationship with God.

There is no shame in discovering a lie

Sometimes recognising something we’ve believed for years can feel uncomfortable. We might think: “How could I have believed that?” But perhaps a better response is compassion. You believed it for a reason. Something happened. You were affected by it. You made sense of it as best you could.

Now you have an opportunity to ask whether there is a better way of understanding it. There is no condemnation in discovering that something you’ve believed isn’t true.

There is freedom.

From lies to truth

One of the most liberating things about inner healing is discovering that we don’t have to remain the person our past has taught us to be. We can recognise the beliefs we’ve carried. We can understand where they came from. We can bring them to God. We can discover His truth.

And gradually, we can begin to live from that truth as our new normal.

That’s part of the journey towards becoming wholehearted — becoming increasingly authentic, increasingly aware of who we really are and increasingly able to live from that place.

The goal isn’t simply to stop believing lies. It’s to know the truth well enough to live from it.

Explore further

Understanding Inner Healing Discover why what has happened to us can continue to affect us — and why freedom is possible.

Hearing God Explore what it means to hear from God for yourself.

What Is Bethel Sozo? Find out how Sozo can help you bring the things that have shaped you into conversation with God.

Becoming Wholehearted Explore the journey towards authenticity, wholeness and living from a whole heart.

Shame Discover how shame can shape the way we see ourselves — and how freedom is possible.

Forgiveness Explore the place of forgiveness in the journey towards freedom.

Book an Individual Sozo If something in this page has made you think, “Perhaps this is part of what I’m carrying,” you don’t need to work it all out before you contact us.