Forgiveness is one of the most powerful — and sometimes most misunderstood — things we can do.
The truth is, we all get hurt. Sometimes the hurt is small, sometimes it is profound. It can come from someone we love or trust. Sometimes it happened years ago, and we thought we’d dealt with it, and sometimes we discover that, despite everything we’ve told ourselves, we’re still carrying it.
Forgiveness can be part of putting that burden down.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is not pretending that something didn’t happen. It isn’t saying: “It didn’t matter.” It isn’t saying: “What you did was all right.” And it isn’t necessarily saying: “I want you back in my life.”
Forgiveness is also not the same as forgetting; it’s important to remember some things. Some experiences have taught us things about boundaries, wisdom and safety that we should not simply throw away.
So what is forgiveness?
At its heart, forgiveness is about releasing our right to continue carrying offence against someone. It’s about what happens inside us, and sometimes the person we most need to forgive is ourselves.
Why is forgiveness sometimes so difficult?
Because sometimes the hurt is real. Someone genuinely did something to us. They might have betrayed us or rejected us. Perhaps they lied. Perhaps they abused our trust. Perhaps they abandoned us or failed us when we needed them most. We can easily hear: “You need to forgive” and feel that someone is asking us to pretend that none of it mattered.
We don’t believe that. Forgiveness doesn’t minimise the wrong. It acknowledges it — and then asks what we are going to do with it.
Forgiveness isn’t saying that it was okay
This distinction matters enormously. If someone has hurt you, you don’t have to call the hurt good. You don’t have to say that their behaviour was acceptable, and you don’t have to deny what happened. You don’t have to stop recognising that something was wrong.
And forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean reconciliation. There are situations in which appropriate boundaries remain essential. You can forgive someone and still decide that they shouldn’t have the same access to your life; you can forgive someone and still tell the truth about what happened. You can forgive someone and still seek justice. Forgiveness doesn’t remove wisdom.
So what are we forgiving?
Sometimes the thing we need to forgive is obvious, but sometimes it’s more complicated.
We may be carrying: anger; resentment; disappointment; betrayal; rejection; bitterness; a sense of injustice; something someone said; something someone failed to do; something we believe someone owes us.
And sometimes we don’t even realise that we’re carrying it. It can become part of the way we see that person. Perhaps we have made a judgement about them. Perhaps we’ve made an inner vow:
“I’ll never trust anyone like that again.”
We might even have built a whole way of protecting ourselves around what happened. That’s why forgiveness connects so closely with the pages we’ve just explored about Judgement, Lies We Believe and Inner Vows and Understanding Trauma.
The cost of carrying it
Imagine carrying a heavy suitcase everywhere you go. You don’t have to put it down. You can get used to it; you can even become very good at carrying it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy.
We can do something similar emotionally. We can carry resentment. We can replay conversations, imagining what we should have said. We remember what they did, and we rehearse what we’d say if we ever got the chance.
We tell ourselves that we have moved on; and yet the person who hurt us still occupies space in our thoughts. Sometimes the person who hurt us has moved on — but we haven’t.
Forgiveness can be the beginning of putting that suitcase down.
Forgiveness and judgement
We’ve looked at the difference between an observation and a judgement. Sometimes forgiveness begins when we recognise the judgement we are carrying. Perhaps it’s “He is selfish” or “She can never be trusted” or “They don’t care about me.”
Perhaps that judgement is understandable, perhaps it is even substantially accurate. But we can still ask: “God, do You want me to continue carrying this?” That is a different question from: “Was what happened wrong?
The answer to the second may be yes. But the answer to the first may still be: “You don’t need to carry it anymore.”
Forgiveness and inner vows
Perhaps you’ve said: “I’ll never let anyone do that to me again.” “I’ll never trust anyone.” “I’ll always look after myself.” “I’ll never be vulnerable again”, and those decisions may have protected you; but they can also keep you tied to the person or experience that caused the wound.
Forgiveness can sometimes mean allowing God to show us that we no longer need to organise our lives around what happened then. We can learn. We can establish boundaries. We can become wiser, and we can still become free.
What about forgiving ourselves?
This can be one of the hardest things of all. Perhaps you’ve made mistakes. Perhaps you’ve hurt someone or made choices you deeply regret. Perhaps you’ve spent years wishing you could go back and do things differently. We can know intellectually that God forgives us and still struggle to forgive ourselves.
Sometimes we keep punishing ourselves long after God has released us. We think that if we continue to feel bad, somehow we’re making up for what we’ve done. But self-punishment isn’t repentance. Repentance means turning around. It means acknowledging what was wrong and allowing ourselves to be changed.
Sometimes the next step is simply to accept: “God has forgiven me. I need to stop holding this against myself.”
Forgiveness doesn’t always happen in a single moment. Sometimes forgiveness is an extraordinary moment of release, and we know immediately that something has changed, but it can also be a journey. We may forgive someone and then discover that the hurt comes back. That doesn’t necessarily mean that our forgiveness wasn’t genuine. It may mean the wound has deeper layers.
As a result, we need to forgive again. Perhaps there’s another judgement underneath the first one. Perhaps we need to grieve what happened, or we need to establish a boundary or even forgive ourselves.
Healing can take time.
What if I don’t feel like forgiving?
You may not.
And we don’t think forgiveness begins by pretending to feel something you don’t feel.
Sometimes it begins with a simple decision: “God, I want to be willing to forgive, even though I don’t know how.” That’s enough to begin. You can tell God exactly how angry you are. Exactly how hurt you are and how unfair it feels. You don’t have to tidy your emotions up before you talk to Him.
Perhaps the prayer is simply: “Father, I don’t want to carry this anymore. Help me.”
Forgiveness and God
Forgiveness is ultimately relational. We aren’t simply applying a psychological technique; we’re bringing what has happened into relationship with God.
We can ask: “Father God, what do You want me to know about this?” “Jesus, what do You want me to do with this hurt?” “Holy Spirit, what is still keeping me tied to this?”
Sometimes God reveals something we hadn’t understood or He shows us that we made a judgement. Sometimes He reveals an inner vow, or He can show us where shame has become attached to what happened.
And sometimes He simply meets us in the pain.
Forgiveness in Sozo
This is one of the reasons forgiveness has an important place within Bethel Sozo. A Sozo allows you to bring the things you carry into conversation with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit.
You aren’t being told: “You need to forgive this person.” Instead, you are encouraged to ask God what He wants you to know. There may be someone you need to forgive or ask forgiveness from. Perhaps you need to forgive yourself or to let go of a judgement.
Perhaps you need to recognise an inner vow or perhaps what you most need is to hear God’s perspective on what happened.
The facilitator helps you have that conversation. They don’t become the answer. You hear from God for yourself.
That is central to the way we understand Sozo.
Forgiveness and freedom
Forgiveness isn’t primarily about making someone else feel better. It is about freedom. The person who hurt you may never apologise. They may never understand what they did; they may never change. If your freedom depends upon their response, you remain tied to them.
Forgiveness says: “What happened matters. But it no longer gets to determine my future.”
That can be enormously freeing.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting
Some experiences should never be forgotten. Remembering can help us recognise patterns. It can help us protect ourselves and others. It can help us understand our own story. Remembering can even help us become compassionate towards other people.
The aim isn’t to erase the memory. It’s to change our relationship with it. Perhaps one day we can remember something that once controlled us and realise: “It happened. It hurt. But it doesn’t own me anymore.”
What if the person who hurt me is still in my life?
Forgiveness doesn’t remove the need for boundaries. If someone continues to behave destructively, forgiveness doesn’t require you to put yourself back into the same situation. You can forgive and still say: “No.”
You can forgive and still create distance. You can forgive and still recognise that trust may need to be rebuilt over time.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Reconciliation requires relationship. Forgiveness can happen even when reconciliation isn’t possible or appropriate.
What happens when we put it down?
Something interesting can happen when we stop carrying what we’ve been carrying. We have more room, more emotional energy and freedom. Our capacity for love can grow and we can have more ability to enjoy the present rather than continually reliving the past.
We become less controlled by the person who hurt us. And, perhaps most importantly, we become more available to God.
From forgiveness to wholeheartedness
This is another part of the journey towards becoming wholehearted. We don’t want to spend our lives defined by what has happened to us. We want to become increasingly free to live from who we really are. That doesn’t mean denying our history; it means allowing God to heal it, and learning from it without remaining imprisoned by it. Importantly, it means discovering that our identity is not determined by the person who hurt us.
And it means becoming increasingly able to live from God’s truth rather than from the wounds of our past.
Forgiveness is sometimes the moment when we finally put something down that we’ve been carrying for far too long.
You don’t have to do it alone
Perhaps there is somebody you know you need to forgive, but maybe you aren’t ready. Perhaps you don’t even know whether forgiveness is the issue.
Perhaps you simply know that something from the past still has a hold on you. You don’t have to work everything out before you take the next step. You can begin by bringing it honestly to God. “Father God, this is what happened.” “This is how it made me feel.” “This is what I believe because of it.” “This is what I am still carrying.” “What do You want me to know?”
Sometimes that is where freedom begins.
Forgiveness is not weakness
Forgiveness doesn’t make what happened less serious. It doesn’t make you naïve. It doesn’t mean you have to trust someone who has proved themselves untrustworthy. It means that their actions no longer have to determine the condition of your heart.
And that is a powerful kind of freedom.
You don’t have to carry what God is inviting you to put down.
Explore further
Judgement Explore the difference between what we observe, what we conclude and what we continue to carry.
Lies We Believe and Inner Vows Discover how painful experiences can lead us to beliefs and decisions that continue to shape our lives.
Shame Explore how shame can make us hide — and how God can bring us into freedom.
Understanding Trauma Consider how painful experiences can continue to affect us long after the event itself has passed.
Understanding Inner Healing Discover the wider journey from what has happened to us towards healing, freedom and wholeness.
Hearing God Learn how to hear what God says for yourself.
What Is Bethel Sozo? Discover how Sozo can help you bring the things you carry into conversation with God.
Book an Individual Sozo If something in this page has made you think about something you’re carrying, you don’t need to have worked it all out before you contact us.