Shame isolates us. It’s a hidden secret. It doesn’t like coming into the light. It makes us believe that we’re constantly uncovered and that the people around us can somehow see right through us.
It steals our confidence. It compromises our self-worth. And it can become one of the most powerful forces keeping us from experiencing the freedom God wants for us.
Shame is more than feeling bad
We’ve all done things we regret; we’ve all made mistakes. We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t said, and there is a proper place for recognising when we’ve done something wrong. Shame goes further. Shame doesn’t simply say: “I did something wrong.” It says: “There is something wrong with me.”
That’s an important difference.
Guilt can point towards something we’ve done. Shame can become an accusation about who we are, and once that accusation takes hold, it can affect almost everything.
“If they really knew me…”
Shame loves secrecy. It tells us that if people really knew what we were like, they wouldn’t love us. They wouldn’t accept us. They’d reject us. So we hide. We become selective about what we reveal. We put on a face for the outside world.
Perhaps we become very good at appearing confident while feeling anything but confident inside, or we become perfectionists because we believe that if we can just get everything right, nobody will discover what’s underneath. Perhaps we withdraw altogether.
Shame tells us to hide. And hiding makes shame stronger.
Shame isolates us
This is one of the things that makes shame so destructive.
We need relationship. We need other people. We need to be known and loved. Yet shame tells us that being known is dangerous. So we isolate ourselves.
Perhaps we don’t ask for help because we’re embarrassed that we need it, or we don’t tell anyone what we’re really feeling. Perhaps we avoid church, friendships or relationships because we don’t feel worthy of belonging. We might assume that everyone else has got life sorted out and we’re the only one struggling.
But the very isolation that shame creates can reinforce the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with us.
The secret grows.
Shame and self-worth
Shame can affect how we see ourselves. If we believe that we are fundamentally flawed, we may struggle to receive encouragement. Compliments may make us uncomfortable. Success may feel undeserved. Love may feel conditional. We may constantly compare ourselves with other people.
And when something goes wrong, shame is ready with its explanation: “See? This proves what you already knew about yourself.”
The problem is that shame is a very convincing liar. It takes something we’ve done — or something that has happened to us — and turns it into a statement about who we are.
Shame can grow from what has happened to us
Sometimes shame begins with something we have done. But sometimes it comes from something done to us.
A child who is repeatedly criticised may conclude: “I’m useless.” Someone who has been rejected may conclude: “Nobody could really love me.” Someone who has been abused may carry the terrible belief: “It must somehow have been my fault.” Someone who has been humiliated may become convinced that everyone is looking at them and judging them.
The experience may be over. But the shame can remain. And because shame tends to hide, we may carry it for years without ever talking about it.
Shame and the lies we believe
This is where shame connects closely with the things we’ve already explored in Lies We Believe and Inner Vows.
Shame can take an experience and turn it into an identity. “I failed” becomes: “I’m a failure.” “Someone rejected me” becomes: “I’m unlovable.” “I made a terrible mistake” becomes: “I’m a terrible person.” “Something bad happened to me” becomes: “There must be something wrong with me.”
The lie becomes part of the way we see ourselves. And because it has become familiar, it can feel like truth.
Shame doesn’t like the light
There is something very powerful about bringing shame into the light. The thing we are most frightened to reveal can lose some of its power when it is finally spoken. That doesn’t mean that we have to tell everyone everything. It doesn’t mean that every secret should be made public, and it certainly doesn’t mean putting ourselves in unsafe situations. But an appropriate, trusted relationship can be enormously important.
Sometimes the first step is simply being able to say: “This is what I carry,” and discovering that the person listening doesn’t run away.
What does God think?
Perhaps the most important question is: What does God say about me? Not: “What does my shame say about me?” Not: “What did that person say about me?” Not even: “What do I say about myself?” But: “God, what do You say?”
This is one of the reasons hearing God for ourselves is so important to us. We don’t want people dependent upon somebody else to tell them what God thinks. We want to help people discover it for themselves. And sometimes the truth that brings freedom is remarkably simple: “I love you.” “You are Mine.” “You are not what happened to you.” “You don’t have to hide from Me.”
Shame and God
Shame can affect our relationship with God too. We may imagine that God sees everything wrong with us, so we hide from Him. We may pray less because we feel unworthy. We may believe that we need to sort ourselves out before we can approach Him. But the Christian story tells us something very different.
God already knows.
There is nothing about us that He needs to discover, and yet He still invites us into relationship with Him.
We don’t have to become acceptable before we can come to God. We come to Him as we are, and it is in relationship with Him that healing and transformation take place.
What about things we’ve done wrong?
This is where shame can become particularly confusing. If we have genuinely done something wrong, we don’t need to pretend that we haven’t. There is a place for repentance; there is a place for taking responsibility; there is a place for putting things right where that is possible.
But repentance doesn’t require us to live under shame.
There is a difference between: “I did something wrong and I need to deal with it” and: “I am irredeemably wrong.” The first can lead to change. The second keeps us trapped. God’s grace doesn’t tell us that what we’ve done doesn’t matter. It tells us that what we’ve done doesn’t have to be the final word about who we are.
Shame and forgiveness
Shame and forgiveness are closely connected. Sometimes we need to forgive someone who has hurt us; sometimes we need to receive God’s forgiveness, and sometimes one of the hardest people to forgive is ourselves. We can carry things for years, repeatedly punishing ourselves for something that happened long ago. We may believe that continuing to feel bad proves that we understand how wrong we were, but self-punishment isn’t the same thing as repentance.
There can come a point when we need to accept God’s forgiveness and allow ourselves to move forward.
‘Becoming Wholehearted’ describes forgiveness as part of the journey towards confronting and overcoming the effects of the past, and explores the way resentment, bitterness and self-blame can themselves become things we carry.
Forgiveness can release us from carrying what we no longer need to carry.
Shame and Sozo
Shame is one of the things that may emerge during a Sozo, not because a Sozo facilitator is looking for shame, and not because every difficulty is caused by shame, but because when we begin to ask God about the things that have shaped us, we may discover beliefs about ourselves that we didn’t realise we were carrying.
A Sozo gives us an opportunity to ask: “Father God, what do You think about me?” “Jesus, what do You want me to know?” “Holy Spirit, what is true?”
The facilitator’s role is to help you have that conversation, not to tell you what God thinks, to help you hear from Him for yourself.
You don’t have to hide
Perhaps you’ve been carrying something for years. Perhaps nobody knows, or you don’t even know how to explain it. Perhaps shame has told you that if people really knew you, they wouldn’t accept you.
But shame is not the truth about you.
You are not the worst thing you’ve ever done. You are not what somebody else did to you, nor are you the label somebody put on you, and you don’t have to spend the rest of your life hiding.
From hiding to freedom
The opposite of shame isn’t pretending that everything is fine. It’s being able to live known, loved and accepted without having to construct a false version of ourselves. That’s part of becoming wholehearted.
We become increasingly able to recognise what is true, to bring what is hidden into the light, and to allow God to heal the places where shame has taken root. We don’t become perfect; we become more authentic, more honest, more secure and more able to receive love. We also become more able to give love, and increasingly free to be the person God created us to be.
Shame doesn’t get the final word
If shame has been telling you: “Hide” God may be saying: “Come to Me.”
If shame says: “There is something fundamentally wrong with you” God may be saying: “Let Me show you who you really are.”
If shame says: “Nobody could love the real you” God says:“I already know the real you — and I love you.”
That is where the journey towards freedom begins.
Explore further
Understanding Inner Healing Discover why what has happened to us can continue to affect us — and why freedom is possible.
Lies We Believe and Inner Vows Explore how experiences can lead us to conclusions about ourselves that aren’t true.
Forgiveness Discover how forgiveness can release us from carrying the pain of the past.
Hearing God Explore what it means to hear what God says about you for yourself.
What Is Bethel Sozo? Discover how Sozo can help you bring the things that have shaped you into conversation with God.
Becoming Wholehearted Explore the journey towards authenticity, wholeness and living from a whole heart.
Book an Individual Sozo If shame or something from your past is affecting the way you see yourself or God, you don’t have to understand everything before you contact us.